Since you have been gone….
It’s been nearly 2 years since you left. In many ways it feels like you left several months before that…or I suppose I left you. But we both agreed that for some reason that this time my moving away from what was always home felt different. In fact remember when I said, “you know, at 45 I think I have finally grown up enough to leave my Mum”!! We both laughed, but on some level we knew it to be true. We usually knew what each other meant in those quirky, off beat conversations. What we didn’t know was what the Universe really meant by that. So you have gone, I am still here, but I am not sure I have kept my end of the bargain. I’m not that sure that I am grown up enough to leave my Mum. Yet what choice do I have?
You know what I miss most? I miss your touch, your smell, your support and advice, your dry sense of humour, but what I really, really miss the most are the daily conversations. The phone calls when we talked about everything and nothing. The conversations that only we could follow, the ones that we would pick up after weeks or days and know exactly what the other was on about. Do you miss that too? Maybe you can hear and see everything from where you are anyway. We never did agree on a code word did we? I always thought I would be the first one to ‘see or hear’ you from the other side…Actually, no I didn’t, because I never, ever contemplated the possibility that I would have to!!!!
So what would we be talking about if you were still here? I have a bit of catching up to do. Firstly it has taken me nearly 18 months to get my head around the fact that you have gone and I am still here. My heart has nooooo idea you have gone. Apart from the times when I stop protecting it and it gets a sneak peak. The poor thing just smashes to pieces. I lovingly pick it up and again and put it back together as best I can, but there are always little shards that scatter and don’t go back in. I saw a thing on Facebook the other day where it described an art form that the Japanese do with broken pottery, its called Kintsugi or Kintsukuroi. They mend the broken pieces with gold, and the pottery then becomes more beautiful than in its unbroken form. I like that idea, so maybe that’s what I will do with my heart…mend it with golden light.
I’m enjoying living here in Queensland in the warmer weather. Not sure you would like it much, not in the Summer anyway. It’s a real bummer you didn’t get to see us settle into this life. We’ve really had to stand on our own two feet (well 8 if you count all 4 of us). I never once took it for granted all you and Dad did for us when we were close by, but I am super grateful now. I hope we are doing an ok job at parenting these kids. You could have stuck around for the teenage years you know !!! Was I that bad??? Don’t answer that…!! Actually the kids are doing quite well. E is continuing with her music, singing and dancing. You would be so proud of her, she has a real passion for it. She still loves her books and is acquiring quite the library. Going to need a moving truck if she ever leaves home just for the books. She is off to France this year with the choir so it would be really good if you could do whatever spirit things you can to keep her safe. MrD is growing up quickly, nearly as tall as me now. Still a smarty bum, knows everything and chatters non-stop. And you will never guess… he is doing dance classes !!! He loves it, not sure he will make a career out of it though J, but great for his confidence and fitness.
So what about me, what have I been up to? Mainly I have been trying to figure out how to live my life without you. This grieving process is everything and nothing like the experts and books say. It’s a bit like childbirth, you know everyone will experience it, (well not everyone, just the mothers, but you know what I mean) but when you have a baby you feel like you are the only person on earth that has had this experience, like ever. And to me grief has been like that. No one has ever felt like this, no one has been as devastated as me and suffered a loss like mine. I know that’s not true, but that’s how it has felt and I guess it’s the same for anyone who loses a piece of their heart. You know every time in the past when I left home for a short or long time, my greatest fear was that something would happen to you or Dad. Now that I have faced my greatest fear, I’m not sure it has taken fear away.
I have found a few ways to help me through this grief process. MB has been an amazingly supportive husband, I’ll probably keep him !! He always tells me he “loves me more” and sometimes I think he is right, but not because I don’t love him more but because grief seems to make the love stay inside you where you need it most. I think though, that I have been able to find a way to generate enough love for myself, and extra to go around. I have been practicing self-care. Far from being a cliché, it is quite the art form and yes takes quite a bit of practice. I have met a beautiful group of people who encourage this self-care or self-love and honestly if it wasn’t for them I’m not sure I would have made the progress that I have. You would really like this tribe of amazing souls.
Do you remember how when I was a little girl I used to love writing stories? It was my best subject at school until high school bullies and puberty knocked the confidence out of me. Well I think I have rediscovered my passion…not sure yet…what do you think? Hmmmm, I guess this is the part where I have to grow up and make my own decisions and choices without your advice or approval. I might as well give it a go and see where it takes me.
It’s been really nice to be able to chatter to you, I guess I won’t be expecting a reply and I most likely won’t need to write to you again. It really is time I kept my part of the bargain and live my life fully and creatively and with love and joy. It may have taken you 45 years to bring me up but I’m thinking you did a pretty good job, I’m turning out just fine don’t you think?
Love Me xx